Parenting Confidence: Nurturing Your Confidence as a Parent

When the word "parenting" is in the same sentence as a word like "confidence" (or perhaps "self-esteem") it is usually a sentence about building the confidence of a child. A parent's confidence is rarely mentioned, yet is paramount to that of a child; confidence in yourself, as a parent and as a person, will naturally rub off on your children.

But it's not easy to be consistently confident doing a job for which we have received no proper training and for which most of us have little ongoing support or guidance; a job in which mistakes can be very costly indeed.

A natural human inclination to compare ourselves to others is something which can damage even a relatively healthy confidence, so try and avoid it by reassuring yourself that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Parenthood is a sharp learning curve. We can all learn a thing or two from other parents, but remember that even those who seem to be flying when we are crumbling would no doubt tell you they've made mistakes along the way.

The media expectations of today are an immense social pressure; in the same way that women are under incredible pressure to look and behave in certain ways, parents are under pressure to be Supermums (or Superdads), usually at the same time as being Superfriends, Superlovers, Supercolleagues and Supereverything-else.

Don't set yourself up for a fall; make your goals as a parent achievable. I used to have a (regularly stated) goal that my daughters would attend university, which I have since realized was setting myself up for failure. Or at least feeling like a failure, when my eldest daughter was permanently excluded from school. Now I have a more general goal to work towards: I will consider myself a successful parent if I raise my girls to be well-balanced, healthy individuals who thrive in the world, with tolerance and compassion for others, and respect for themselves. So far so good. And because it's such a general, long-term goal, the wobbles along the way are OK too.

Use the 'small' things to nurture your own confidence. Recognize your success in always being able to put a meal on the table, in finding time for a story and a cuddle in a busy schedule, or in the fact that you have managed to send your children to school in freshly-washed and ironed uniform (even matching socks) every day for a whole week. Celebrate your triumphs, reward yourself.

Don't blame yourself for the mistakes you will inevitably make as a parent. Try to learn from them and make them lessons instead of mistakes, but be gentle with yourself. My confidence as a mum was seriously shaken a couple of years ago. Having raised two daughters while studying at university and working part-time, without too many problems, my eldest daughter hit fourteen and almost overnight went from a lovely, spirited but biddable girl to a raging, uncontrollable feral child. There were plenty of people who agreed I was a rotten Mum (which was extremely unhelpful!) but I was fortunate to meet a Parental Advisor who was wonderfully supportive and gave me some excellent advice, without ever making me feel that it was entirely my fault.

Never be afraid to ask for help when you're struggling. The PA made me realize I shouldn't accept all the blame for the situation (in the same way as I don't accept all the credit now my wonderful daughter has changed her life around.) She boosted my flagging confidence by reminding me of all the positive things I had done, was still doing. Keeping a balanced view is important to your confidence as a parent. There will always be successes as well as difficulties.

Try making a list of the things you do well and the things you struggle with: I am very disorganized and not always reliable (I have a rotten sense of time and am easily distracted from one job to another), I am not very consistent, and I often make impulsive decisions which later cause problems. But I am warm and affectionate, encouraging and supportive, I provide a stimulating environment, and I am always willing to go into battle for the girls (about things like health and education, not with their friends!)

Focus on the positive stuff (but work on the negative) to encourage your confidence. We all do somethings really well - give yourself a big pat on the back for them. Help your child discover their own strengths or develop their own interests, encourage them and support them in this and it will turbo-boost your confidence alongside their own.

Your confidence as a parent is part of a much wider sense of self-esteem. We are never just parents. When things are difficult from time to time as a parent, draw your confidence from another area of your life for a while. Aim to be a confident person, not simply a confident parent. The knocks you receive will then be more manageable.

Write down a few good reasons to feel confident as a parent and leave them where you will be able to read them and remind yourself often. I think my own greatest confidence as a parent (which has helped me through some rotten times), is that my girls feels secure and adored. It's important to me that they find me approachable and trust me enough to be able to come and tell me anything, because I think most problems can be solved by simply keeping lines of communication open.

When I doubt my abilities to parent successfully, I remind myself of this and feel so much better.