Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Happy Valentine's Day!

I'm sorry about the quashed text! It does this sometimes. Does anyone know why? (Or how to stop it!) I have edited it three times and it doesn't seem to make any difference. Can't keep playing around with it, as I have a million and one things to do, as usual! I'll try once more and then come back to it later.











Whether or not you have a partner to share Valentine's Day with, it's fun to share it with the kids. I have found three fab websites with lots of wonderful things to do with the kids this Valentine's Day. (My two always love an excuse to plan a party, cook up some delicious treats, or get all the craft stuff out on the kitchen table for a creative session!)
There are lots of ideas here, including crafts, cards and posters, recipes, romantic poems and films, and Valentine's day jokes and riddles. Most of the sites I have included are aimed at families or children and are well worth checking out at any time, but have special Valentine's pages.
My Top Three

1. Kaboose is a fantastic family network site, with some great suggestions for any time of year, but here are some fab Valentine's ideas:

Top Ten Valentine's Movies for Kids
Valentine's Jokes and Riddles
Tips for Fab Valentine's Parties
Simple Valentine's Cards to Make
Lovely Valentine's Crafts
Scrummy Recipes
There are some interesting articles for couples too, with advice for making time for romance amid the chaos of family:
2. Another website worth a visit is the Holiday Spot's Valentine's Page:
Recipes for Love
Romantic Poems
Some Lovely Romantic Ideas:
How to Say I Love You in Different Languages
21 Reasons Why You Love Him/Her
3. DLTK's Growing Together site is another fantastic site for families all year round. Check out their special Valentine's pages:
Posters to Colour
Love Poems
Romantic Recipes
A Ton of Further Valentine's Links
The Best of the Rest
Here are a few more websites with Valentine's ideas to try out with the kids:
You certainly won't be stuck for things to do to celebrate Valentine's Day! Have Fun! :o)

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Consultancy works!

A recent example of me being a consultant rather than a manager:

Eldest daughter says she wants her tongue pierced.

I ask her why. The only thing she could come up with is because all her friends are getting it done. I remind her that there should always be another good reason to do something besides the fact that everyone else is doing it.

I tell her I don't want her to, explaining that it can damage the teeth, problems (inflamation, infection, etc.) are common afterwards, serious problems are not rare ...

(What I wanted to say was: NO WAY! You are absolutely NOT under any circumstances getting your tongue pierced!!! And especially not it it's just because everyone else is doing it!)

She says she is going to get it done anyway.

I say I won't go with her. Or give my permission or condone it in any way. She tells me she'll go to someone who will do it regardless, and if it all goes wrong it will be my fault. (Haha! Aren't kids clever?) I tell her that will be fine, if she makes that choice she will have to live with the consequences, and it won't really make her tongue feel better to blame it all on me.

Thinking ...

She asks me if I'm going to stop her doing it. (As if I have any choice!)

I say no, but ask her to mull it over for a while before she rushes out and does something she might regret.

At the moment, it's forgotten. I think a friend's bad experience a few days later, with a badly swollen tongue (and removal of piercing in the end anyway) might have had something to do with it!

Monday, January 28, 2008

Parenting Skills (Part One): Are you a manager or a consultant?

'Parenting skills' is a much-used term, but what are the skills necessary to be a successful parent? And how do we learn them?

What does the term 'successful' really mean when applied to parenting, anyway? I have always thought that my job as a parent is to raise my daughters to be well-balanced, healthy individuals with the skills and choices necessary to thrive in adult life. But if they are not in the end well-balanced and healthy, if their choices are limited, if they don't thrive in adult life, will that mean I have been a failure as a parent?

Being a parent is scary ... it's the most important job in the world, but we do it with no training or support, and it's a job in which doing our best might not be good enough.

I really believe that parenting is only a small part of the process involved in a child developing into an adult. The character of a child is only partly shaped by parents, and the part parents play in this process lessens as a child grows. A child's personality is indeed influenced by parents, but is also affected by other people, by personal choices, by events beyond control, by unique experiences and primarily, by the innate character of the child - the way in which they perceive, and interact with, the world around them. Parents cannot make an extrovert out of an introvert, for example, although sadly, I think some try very hard.

So far, I think I'm doing a pretty good job as a parent, although I am definitely a work in progress! But had you asked me two years ago, I would have probably said I had failed miserably. Eldest daughter was on the rampage, permanently excluded from school, in and out of court, having sex, doing drugs and staying out for nights on end, with no respect for anyone, declared by the local Police to be the one of the five worst young offenders in Scarborough, and the youngest girl in the country with an ASBO. When she was home, she raged. The more I tried to save her from herself, the further I seemed to push her down that road of self-destruction.

I thought my entire philosphy about raising children was inherently flawed. I have always encouraged my girls to make their own choices, and to express their opinions, whether or not I agree with them. I have encouraged their spirited, rebellious sides. I have cheered when they've been outspoken. I have taught them that they should only respect people who deserve their respect, that they should stand up for their own beliefs, that they shouldn't automatically do or say or think what they are told to by someone else.

So had I inadvertently raised an anti-social, anarchic, dysfunctional monster? Were we a dysfunctional family? Had I failed as a parent? There were many who insisted I had. Officials from the police, the court and various other institutions, suggested I 'try some discipline/take control/be a responsible parent ...' Not helpful. And they couldn't suggest any practical way of achieving such noble aims.

I tried to impose my authority on eldest daughter. I removed all privileges. I locked her in the house. (She jumped out of an upstairs window, which has no lock.) We fought constantly. She stayed at home less and less, we couldn't be in the same room without arguing. We hated each other. We hated ouselves. I hated that I was becoming tyrannical, a dictator in a family that had always been a democracy. She hated the fact that I was always angry or upset with her. We were locked in an unending battle of wills, me and this tiny girl full of fury, and more spirit than I now knew what to do with.I was scared for her, in so many ways. I hated the choices she was making and tried to force her to make the 'right' ones. We didn't understand each other anymore, we couldn't communicate.

But positive people also entered our lives at the time. One of whom was a Parental Advisor, affiliated to the Youth Offending Team. I met her voluntarily, as I was under threat of a Parenting Order otherwise ... not entirely sure what a Parenting Order is, but it doesn't sound good! The PA was wonderful, had kids of her own (who weren't perfect, unlike the children of most people who offered me 'advice'!) and she gave me a gem of an idea:

You need to be a consultant, rather than a manager.

Fantastic! Instead of feeling helpless and with no control over the situation at all, I felt useful and empowered. Instead of feeling undermined, ignored and resented, I began to be a positive influence in my daughter's life again. She has worked hard to turn her life around and I am so proud of her. Most of her 'crowd' (her 'gang') have continued on a difficult and dangerous path, few have escaped repeated custodial sentences. It's very hard to come back from the brink of self-destruction, but she has shown determination, dedication and great maturity.

So if you ask me what the skills necessary to being a good parent are, the first one would be the ability to adapt. From the moment of birth, a child grows and develops, and so changes in many different ways. These changes become more obvious, more apparent, more extreme in adolescence, calling for the need to adapt on an almost daily basis. Apart from becoming a parent, the change from child to adult is possibly the greatest change we will make in our lives. It is difficult for teenagers, as they are neither children nor adults, but caught in a kind of limbo. Their confusion (and perhaps fear?), the pendulum of behaviour, their not knowing whether they are child or adult (whether they want to be child or adult), means it is difficult for a parent to know how to treat them, how to behave towards them, at any given moment.

Well, at least it makes for an interesting life!

Thinking of it from the perspective of a consultant rather than a manager makes sense and is helpful in avoiding huge power struggles. It allows me to take a step back a little, and my lovely, frustrating, fascinating child/adult to take control of her own life. (In a much safer way!) It encourages us to see the bigger picture. It forces us to communicate on a deeper level. It means we can work together in a balanced relationship to achieve success.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Household Maintenance for Parents of Teenage Girls

I've done a couple of memes on my Write Here! blog, but thought this would be nice to post here.

With thanks and a big hug to the lovely Casdok! Check out her excellent blog, Mother of Shrek:

http://motherofshrek.blogspot.com/



Five Household Maintenance Tips:

(Mine are from the perspective of a mother of two teenage girls ...)


1. Learn how to put a 'lock' on the phone before teenage girls run up a bill you can't pay!

(I still don't know how to do this, but then it doesn't matter much now, seeing as we haven't got a phone line any more!)


2. If you are going to have girls, try and have them at least 6 years apart, so you don't have two teenage girls in the house at the same time!

(The doctor at my youngest daughter's primary school had FIVE!!! She said she wouldn't recommend it to anyone. But she said she would definitely recommend having five daughters in their twenties.)


3. Teach yourself how to do your own DIY. It saves lots of money if you can fix things yourself, like cupboard doors that have been kicked off their hinges (by teenager or by parent!)

(This tip was inspired by the fab list of tips by Chris, in her comment on Casdok's meme post. Check out her very funny blog too! Diet Coke Rocks, in my links.)


4. When teenage girls are having a bad hair day, don't try offering helpful suggestions, or even sincere compliments. Just go back to bed, or vacate the premises!


5. Listen carefully. Teenage girls are fascinating creatures (am sure boys are too, but I don't personally know any!) and say some very profound things ... and some very funny things too!

I have realised recently that I have a tendency to make assumptions about what my youngest daughter is saying or thinking during a conversation, which she hates (and quite rightly! I'm working on it ... I think I've got used to the way she thinks and need to remind myself that she is changing from child to adult and is likely to develop her thinking in all sorts of directions now.)


(If you'd like to try this meme yourself, consider yourself tagged!) :o)

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Writing an Essay

Ten Tips for writing an Essay


1. Know Your Stuff!

Assess your current knowledge and understanding of the subject you will be writing about.

Collate all the information you already have – a mind map is an excellent way to do this, and it’s well worth finding a little time to dip into The Mindmap Book, by the Buzan brothers. Alternatively, list everything you know, using different colour pens to group items, to highlight the most important or relevant, or to distinguish areas you may need to revisit.

Once you know what you know, you need to know what you don’t know! List areas you need to research and possible sources, begin researching with specific questions in mind (or better still, written down!)

Make sure your research is wide-ranging but focussed. Be methodical in your note-taking and especially careful in recording your references, to avoid any possibility of unintentional plagiarism.


2. Hit the Books!

You should be reading around the subject extensively before you even get your assignment.

Make notes and list questions for further research as you read. Keep notes concise, using keywords and short quotations, briefly expanded by your own ideas.

Keeping your assignment in mind, learn to skim read for things of interest, which you can then later read in depth. This way you get to filter out irrelevancies, making more effective use of the time you spend reading.

Read a variety of texts, by various authors, expand your module reading list in all directions. Use a variety of media (radio/tv broadcasts, films, the internet) but maintain an academic focus.


3. The Best-Laid Plans …!

Take the time to make a written study plan (essential to effective time-management)

A definitive plan will help to avoid eleventh hour disasters. At the very least, list how many weeks/hours you can realistically expect to use for studying before the assignment is due. Note special lectures or tutorials.

Appreciate time as an important resource – use it wisely and avoid the destructive cycle of procrastinating and binge studying.

Expect the unexpected! Practically, this means plan to allow yourself some ‘extra’ time to deal with unexpected events.


4. Radiant Thinking!

Your brain is amazing, and one of your most important resources.

Approach your assignment with resolve, imagination and a positive outlook. Treat it as an opportunity to showcase your knowledge and understanding.

Recognise your resources – be imaginative! These include physical, intellectual and emotional aspects of yourself, time and space, health, fun and relaxation, and other people.

Try mind mapping – the perfect example of radiant thinking and an excellent resource to use in all areas of your studying (in fact, in all areas of your life!)


5. Raw Ingredients!

Lectures are the raw ingredients of an assignment. You mix them together, add a few more things, some time and some care, and voilá! your recipe for success!

Preparation - To make the most of lectures, ensure you arrive on time, in the right frame of mind, and with everything you need. Don’t ignore something you don’t understand – make a note of it and approach the lecturer for some help at an appropriate time.

Notes – trying to take extensive, detailed notes during an interesting lecture is almost impossible – it means you often miss useful ideas or information. Try using key words or mind mapping. Expand, action and file notes weekly.

Appreciation – express your appreciation to lecturers – always thank them for their time and insight, and tell them when they give a lecture in a particularly useful format. Use any module feedback sheets.


6. Waving, Not Drowning!

Everyone needs a little support now and then.

There are plenty of sources of support within university, depending on the type of help you need. You may need someone to explain things in greater depth, or to advise you about your grammar, or to help you with time-keeping, to inspire you or reboot your enthusiasm, or perhaps you just need a friendly ear.

Ask for help sooner rather than later. Ensure clear communication with lecturers, your family and friends, to keep them informed of your progress and of your needs.

Recognising where you need support, and reaching out to ask for it, are strengths well worth developing as general life-skills. When stuck with an essay, a few minutes conversation with someone can make all the difference.


7. Clean and tidy!

Make sure the format of your assignment is logical, balanced, of a high academic standard, and thoroughly readable.

Ensure an academic style (language, grammar, punctuation) and follow the guidelines for presentation in module handbooks.

Pay attention to your referencing. Stick rigidly to whichever system is preferred in your area of study. Keep any footnotes succinct and take time with your bibliography.



8. Nail Your Argument!

An imaginative, innovative argument will usually be appreciated, but ensure your argument makes sense!

Use words, statistics and diagrams, to underpin your argument as necessary.

Support your argument with academic references. You must ground any argument in existing understanding or theory.

Provide an extensive bibliography to support your references. Never include texts you haven’t read.


9. Make it Shine!

Leave time at the end to polish your work before it is submitted.

A rushed finish is always evident and always disappointing. Build time into your plan to avoid the frustration of handing in a piece of work and knowing you could have done a much better job. A final, thorough proofread prevents sloppy mistakes.

If possible, have a break for a few days before your final edit/proofread, so you read it with fresh eyes. Or ask someone else to read it for you.

Pay attention to external presentation – first impressions do count! Unless told specifically which kind of folder to use, bear in mind the ease of reading when you choose. Use high quality paper and ensure your printing is crisp and clear.


10. Avoid the White Rabbit Syndrome!

Avoid the need for extensions – they do nothing for your self-esteem, your stress levels or your academic reputation.

If the unthinkable happens and for genuine reasons, beyond your control, you need an extension, approach your lecturer. Be prepared to fill in a mitigating circumstances form, and to support it with evidence. However, the following will guard against the need for extensions.

Set early deadlines. When you first receive a submission date, change it! Choose a date (1-2 weeks earlier depending on the length, the time necessary and the time available) a date that is memorable to you. From this point on, focus on this new deadline, and ‘forget’ the original.

Set yourself ‘mini’ deadlines, working backwards from the 'revised' due date, enlisting support to treat them seriously, and to stick to them.


More on this later, as it's a huge part of studying! But one more, very important tip: If you get the chance to choose your own essay title/subject, choose something you find interesting and have fun with it!

(And bear in mind that lecturers read a lot of essays, many of which are very similar, so if you choose the title or subject everyone else is avoiding, it will provide a refreshing change for the person marking your work!)

Money Money Money (must be funny!)

Hmmmm, I really should practise what I preach!

The very first tip here is something I struggle with continuously ... see my Learning Curve blog!


Ten Tips for Managing Money

1. No Time Like the Present!

Use your time wisely – it doesn’t take long to assess and gain (maintain) control of your finances It’s much easier to be an ostrich and avoid dealing with things, but they soon grow into much longer, more demanding tasks.

Set aside a morning or afternoon to draw up a proper plan, and then allow half an hour every week for ongoing management.

The passage of time – time offers a new perspective. Big problems become much smaller in the grand scheme of things.

Read, action and file financial paperwork every day – a few minutes will save hours of frustration trying to find paperwork later, and also prevents feeling so overwhelmed by something that you can no longer face it.


2. Stay in Touch!

Handle your money in person – avoid any kind of technological payment, and stick to cash as much as possible.

Get touchy-feely with your money, and you will appreciate it more. Withdraw a lump sum of cash at the beginning of the week and make it last.

Control your spending – it is easy to underestimate your spending. Make sure you have a realistic picture, by keeping a record – the longer the period covered, the better the picture you will have.

Suze Orman suggests that ‘how you actually keep your money, is where respect for it starts.’ Keep your purse/wallet tidy, with notes straight, the same way round and organised into different denominations.


3. Weed your Garden!

Tend your financial garden, removing all weeds of past mistakes and future fears.

Suzanne Olson believes that our relationship with money is founded on our earliest memories of it, and she offers interesting advice to help you face up to and overcome financial difficulties.

Learn from mistakes, rather than hide from them – weeds will soon overtake your garden if you ignore them.

Face the fear – understand your fears and take action to address them.


4. Value Evaluation!

Things only run smoothly in life if they are based on your core values.

Assess your personal values and integrate them into your financial life.

Value your money – don’t throw it away! Throwing away unread magazines, rarely worn clothes or shoes, unfinished toiletries, or food left to go off, is like throwing your money in the bin.

Distinguish wealth from riches. Never allow money to be the ‘be all and end all’ of life – learn to appreciate the important, priceless things in life.


5. The Budget Blues!

Keep it realistic – the best advice when it comes to budgeting is to be brutally honest with yourself.

Record your spending in detail and try and track it over a period (3-12 months) Remember to allow for ‘hidden’ spending when you draw up a budget.

Take control – when you blow your budget, admit it! Review the situation as soon as possible, make amendments and move forwards.

Freedom is a state of mind. Things change – such is life! Stay positive and believe that everything happens for a reason.


6. Think Small!

The mind is a powerful resource! Use it to your advantage in your financial life.

If you think you have less to spend, you will undoubtedly spend less. Here again, withdrawing a set amount of cash at the beginning of the week will help.

Appreciate the little things in life. Exchange dîner á deux for a bag of chips on a bench overlooking the sea. Receiving (or making) a hand-made gift cuts down on the costs and ups the feelgood factor. Always go for quality over quantity – a small bag of Thorntons is infinitely better than a big box of cheap chocs!

Pennies make pounds! Think carefully about small expenses – they soon add up. This works equally in reverse – save all your loose change in a bottle or jar (see Tip 9.)


7. Take Aim Carefully!

Think seriously, taking your values into consideration, before setting yourself goals.

Be adventurous. Write them down, using positive language, and set a date by which you want to achieve them.

Focus on one main goal and evaluate your progress regularly. Stay positive, don’t let any setbacks put you off.

Set SMART goals. (More about this later!)



8. Wolves At the Door!

It is probably impossible to finish University without having acquired any debt, but do your best to keep it under control, so you can start your working life in the best financial position possible.

Maintain control of your credit – unless strictly controlled, credit soon morphs into debt. Avoid credit cards if possible, otherwise research to get the best deal, try and pay the balance every month – use them as a short-term rather than a long-term loan.

If you get out of depth, ask for help – earlier rather than later. Debt mounts up quickly, never sorts itself out, and costs more as time passes. Deal with it before it becomes a problem.

Bin your pride – search the Funderfinder database for help from charitable sources, rather than borrowing more money.


9. Rainy Days!

Whether saving pennies for some spare cash at the end of the week/month/semester, or saving pounds in an account for a large expense (holiday, car, electric guitar …) remember that regular payments are the key to success.

Collect spare change - on a daily or weekly basis, empty your pockets into a jar, tin or bottle, and it will soon build up into something substantial. If you share your home, collect coins together and in just a few weeks you will be able to buy something for the home, put some money towards a bill or treat yourselves to a takeaway and DVD.

Research savings accounts thoroughly, and check out options such as ISAs. Be disciplined about saving, make regular payments into your account and avoid dipping into savings.

If you find yourself with some extra money that you want to invest, research your options thoroughly and seek professional advice.


10. Protect Yourself!

Keep yourself safe from financial pitfalls.

For a list of simple steps to avoid falling victim to the rapidly growing crime of identity theft, see the excellent website: Ihatefinancialplanning.com

Identity theft is a far-reaching, destructive crime with traumatic, disastrous circumstances, but it is easy to avoid. One of the simplest steps you can take, is to opt out of junk mail. This is not only easy to do, but saves natural resources and provides freedom from the frustration of piles of unwanted rubbish.

It is always a good idea to have some basic insurance, covering your belongings, your home (depending on your situation) and yourself, particularly when travelling or if a participant in dangerous activities.

Poem as promised ...

I found two poems I wrote while struggling in the pit of despair, but thought I'd show you this one first, to explain that I really am not a poet, and I definitely know it!

Rhyming couplets still evade me
I just can't think in rhyme.
Perhaps the poetry of poetry
Will come to me in time ...

So, here's a couple of poems full of doom and gloom, not at all like my usual attempts:


The Abyss

Beyond the turmoil of overwhelming emotion
A spirit, torn apart, unrecognisable,
Lies within the abyss ...

Which may, for a time, be comforting
A place of no worry, no sorrow and no pain
But is a dangerous place
Where nothing can thrive,
Nothing can live for long ...

Love, smiles, hugs
Cannot enter here,
Cannot dispel the darkness.

Outside the walls, enemies lie in seige
Alongside friends and allies ...
All are held at bay
All are excluded.

Together they hammer on the gates ...
Gates which can only be opened outwards.


Sleepless

In the absolute silence of the hour before dawn
When i've climbed the walls, endlessly paced the floors
And finally wept myself empty,
I lie twisting in the void.

Differing emotions vying for attention
Clamouring for acceptance ...
Optimism is now the stuff of abandoned fairy tales
Pessimism is a shrine
Doubt and doom and gloom the new reality.

Sadness surges along every nerve,
Loneliness scrapes the surface of my skin
Teasing the fine hairs to attention.

The ache within threatens to explode and engulf me,
When Hope enters the fray once more
With battered standard,
Never far from the battlefield, from the never-ending struggle ...

Yet sadly,
A mere fleeting angel
Against such staunch opposition ...


Goodness! I really was in a bad place ... I certainly wouldn't want to go back there again, although the truth is that was the easy part. When I was actually in that dark place, I didn't give a damn!

The hard bit, the bit I really wouldn't want to do again (though it's good to know I can), was the struggle back to health. It took almost a year of hard work.

Here's a few examples of the sort of poetry I write usually (though to be honest am more a prose writer than a poet, so you mightn't call it poetry!):


On Your Journey Through Life ...

May many miles be filled with smiles

May your days be warm,
Your sunsets beautiful, and your dawns full of hope.

May you always have enough
And some left over to share.

May the travellers you meet along the way
Teach you something and learn from you,
May you always part from those who choose another
path, in peace and friendship.

May you never choose the easy way,
Nor the most difficult
But the one your heart leads you to.

Don’t stand too long looking back along the road,
Or forward,
But look around you,
Listen, feel, inhale every moment.

Don’t run!

There’s no hurry, no worry,
No destination,
But much to be enjoyed along the way.



Heaven on Earth

Do you know the way to Heaven?

Have you wondered
And wandered the paths that wind inwards
To the very centre of your existence?

Heaven is here …
All around you.
Within you.

Within your heart when truly loved and in love,
Within your mind when you know you did your best,
Within your soul when you watch a child blossom.

Heaven is a hug.
A smile. A gentle word.

A field of daisies.
A flock of geese heading home at dusk.

Fingers and mouths stained with blackberry juice.

Music which makes your feet dance
And your heart sing.

Mum’s Sunday dinner, a sunny afternoon walking the dog, dinner with an old friend, a lie-in with a lover…

Heaven is where you look for it.



Mistakes

If I’m wrong, I’m wrong!

And tomorrow, or the day after
I’ll say … Ok!

So I made a mistake
I was wrong
But I might’ve been right!

I might be right the next time
And that’s what really counts ...


Dreams Are Always Worth Chasing!

Where does rational thought end
and wishful thinking begin?

What distinguishes a dream from a fantasy
or a wish from a whim?

How far up in the sky
does the pie have to be?

And who says pigs can’t fly?