Parenting Skills (Part One): Are you a manager or a consultant?

'Parenting skills' is a much-used term, but what are the skills necessary to be a successful parent? And how do we learn them?

What does the term 'successful' really mean when applied to parenting, anyway? I have always thought that my job as a parent is to raise my daughters to be well-balanced, healthy individuals with the skills and choices necessary to thrive in adult life. But if they are not in the end well-balanced and healthy, if their choices are limited, if they don't thrive in adult life, will that mean I have been a failure as a parent?

Being a parent is scary ... it's the most important job in the world, but we do it with no training or support, and it's a job in which doing our best might not be good enough.

I really believe that parenting is only a small part of the process involved in a child developing into an adult. The character of a child is only partly shaped by parents, and the part parents play in this process lessens as a child grows. A child's personality is indeed influenced by parents, but is also affected by other people, by personal choices, by events beyond control, by unique experiences and primarily, by the innate character of the child - the way in which they perceive, and interact with, the world around them. Parents cannot make an extrovert out of an introvert, for example, although sadly, I think some try very hard.

So far, I think I'm doing a pretty good job as a parent, although I am definitely a work in progress! But had you asked me two years ago, I would have probably said I had failed miserably. Eldest daughter was on the rampage, permanently excluded from school, in and out of court, having sex, doing drugs and staying out for nights on end, with no respect for anyone, declared by the local Police to be the one of the five worst young offenders in Scarborough, and the youngest girl in the country with an ASBO. When she was home, she raged. The more I tried to save her from herself, the further I seemed to push her down that road of self-destruction.

I thought my entire philosphy about raising children was inherently flawed. I have always encouraged my girls to make their own choices, and to express their opinions, whether or not I agree with them. I have encouraged their spirited, rebellious sides. I have cheered when they've been outspoken. I have taught them that they should only respect people who deserve their respect, that they should stand up for their own beliefs, that they shouldn't automatically do or say or think what they are told to by someone else.

So had I inadvertently raised an anti-social, anarchic, dysfunctional monster? Were we a dysfunctional family? Had I failed as a parent? There were many who insisted I had. Officials from the police, the court and various other institutions, suggested I 'try some discipline/take control/be a responsible parent ...' Not helpful. And they couldn't suggest any practical way of achieving such noble aims.

I tried to impose my authority on eldest daughter. I removed all privileges. I locked her in the house. (She jumped out of an upstairs window, which has no lock.) We fought constantly. She stayed at home less and less, we couldn't be in the same room without arguing. We hated each other. We hated ouselves. I hated that I was becoming tyrannical, a dictator in a family that had always been a democracy. She hated the fact that I was always angry or upset with her. We were locked in an unending battle of wills, me and this tiny girl full of fury, and more spirit than I now knew what to do with.I was scared for her, in so many ways. I hated the choices she was making and tried to force her to make the 'right' ones. We didn't understand each other anymore, we couldn't communicate.

But positive people also entered our lives at the time. One of whom was a Parental Advisor, affiliated to the Youth Offending Team. I met her voluntarily, as I was under threat of a Parenting Order otherwise ... not entirely sure what a Parenting Order is, but it doesn't sound good! The PA was wonderful, had kids of her own (who weren't perfect, unlike the children of most people who offered me 'advice'!) and she gave me a gem of an idea:

You need to be a consultant, rather than a manager.

Fantastic! Instead of feeling helpless and with no control over the situation at all, I felt useful and empowered. Instead of feeling undermined, ignored and resented, I began to be a positive influence in my daughter's life again. She has worked hard to turn her life around and I am so proud of her. Most of her 'crowd' (her 'gang') have continued on a difficult and dangerous path, few have escaped repeated custodial sentences. It's very hard to come back from the brink of self-destruction, but she has shown determination, dedication and great maturity.

So if you ask me what the skills necessary to being a good parent are, the first one would be the ability to adapt. From the moment of birth, a child grows and develops, and so changes in many different ways. These changes become more obvious, more apparent, more extreme in adolescence, calling for the need to adapt on an almost daily basis. Apart from becoming a parent, the change from child to adult is possibly the greatest change we will make in our lives. It is difficult for teenagers, as they are neither children nor adults, but caught in a kind of limbo. Their confusion (and perhaps fear?), the pendulum of behaviour, their not knowing whether they are child or adult (whether they want to be child or adult), means it is difficult for a parent to know how to treat them, how to behave towards them, at any given moment.

Well, at least it makes for an interesting life!

Thinking of it from the perspective of a consultant rather than a manager makes sense and is helpful in avoiding huge power struggles. It allows me to take a step back a little, and my lovely, frustrating, fascinating child/adult to take control of her own life. (In a much safer way!) It encourages us to see the bigger picture. It forces us to communicate on a deeper level. It means we can work together in a balanced relationship to achieve success.